sometimes i think this is all a lesson in patience. patience, i tell myself. it works perfectly fine if you just let it wake up slowly. don't judge, just wait.
when i shut it off, this 'end program' window pops up and it is essentially an error message for something...i mean, shit, i know something is corrupt in the system. but it doesn't really affect anything it seems...or so far anyway.
and i've got all the updated antivirus bullshit. so what else can i do right?
sometimes i feel like my life has a virus. when i wake up in the morning, i need a while, even a coffee, before i can deal with anyone trying to process anything through me, with me or around me. this wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't that every night, when i try and turn off, i also seem to lie in bed, and process all my error messages. wondering if some part of my life has been corrupted by something, some thing i can't see or is from somewhere unknown.
ostensibly, my life probably seems sort of like it always is. fine. relatively easy. school. not doing homework. occasional partying, intermittent movie watching. not eating vegetables. seems like the usual. and i suppose i always have some sort of minor level crisis i am working through.
but things seem different to me lately. i guess i am having a very difficult time adjusting to being in, what is about to me 'my longest relationship ever'. (it would seem that my previous 4-monther might not be so difficult to overstep, but when you move every 6-8 months, it sort of is)
there is so much up and down. so many levels. so much depth. and it's sometimes very overwhelming. that's how i feel right now. i feel like i am deep, deep into something that has swallowed me whole. i am never 'just fine' for very long. and i'm never 'sad or emotinally distraught' for very long. and i'm never 'pleased as punch' for very long. perhaps this is the price i pay for loving/being involved with someone who is going through one of the most tumultuous years of her life. but, and i hate to say it, why me? do i attract people in tumult?
it's all just so pleasing and disturbing at the same time. it's like i've found the most beautiful friend, the most surprising addition to my life, my world, my self in a long time....and at the same time, perhaps because of this, i live in a kind of bizarre fear of losing it all.
i've even lost it all. twice. and yet it resurfaces. my system somehow needs it/her still, in order to function. i've never felt more like i understand what all of my friends serious relationships were like before now. and i can only imagine what it's like for people who've been together for years. good lord. the thought scares me.
and maybe, you think, if it is this challenging, it is not quite right. and maybe you are right. but dammit, i'm stubborn as hell, and i just want to understand. i want to be happy. i want to finish my goddamn fucking coral reef paper. i want to go camping. i want to 'feel settled'.
(wow, i never thought i'd say that)
does anyone ever feel settled? am i being ridiculous to think that i can achieve 'settled' when i'm probably leaving the country for 1, 2, 3 years in 4 months...?
whatever.