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Feb 7, 2005
surviving...doing ok? i guess
i could write about the 57 times today that i have seen, thought, touched or smelled something that made me want to cry. but instead, i want to share an email that i just got from my mom. i love my mom so much, and this email is perfectly demonstrative of my mom- just the way she is. i love her so much...i feel slightly weird not having her *consent* to put this on my blog, but what the fuck right?, you're all my friends, and i'm putting it in to show where i come from...enjoy.
Dear Jackie
I was playing on the computer last evening when you called. I had the headphones on listening to my music and only heard dad giving you his usual fatherly patient advice re your computer problems. I hope that it is working for you. I know that if something happened to this computer and he wasn’t here to look after it, the computer would become an instant boat anchor.
I received a bundle of donations over the weekend for my walk. Can you believe that I am at 44% of my goal? I have had some single big contributions too. It all really blows me away. They always said it can’t hurt to ask and ask everyone because you won’t know who will be up to donating. Bonnie gave a 250. Dollar contribution. Donna Wachowich gave the same amount. Wow oh wow.
Jill had a candle party last month and I got suckered into having a party from hers. Well I finally got up the courage to ask Sheryl if I get let some of the proceeds go toward my Weekend To End Breast Cancer Fund. We worked it out to 20% of the sales would go to my cause. She wins in that I can get more people to come or at least buy something with a fund raising angle and I win because I don’t have to take any extra products but turn it into cash. Maybe I will actually get some of the work people out. So I was actually going to go on the computer to make up some kind of poster / invitation thing to send out or put up or hand out. However it seemed better to write an email.
I am starting to get really excited about coming. I am still a little apprehensive re the driving, but hopefully you will be up to the task and not freak me out too badly. Besides which we can still take transport for some of the things. I have been thinking about different things to do. Any suggestions? There is Granville Island, walking or hiking, movies, shopping, and looking through different book shops or “funky” areas. I don’t think I want another tattoo, but we could do a hair thing or feet thing (pedicure). Think about it.
Work is so menial these days and I find the days are just dragging. I have been trying to think how to change that, but really can’t get that enthused about that. I really do feel like I am coasting into retirement and will try to get my kudos from outside the profession I am in.
We were at Cathy and Darren’s last evening celebrating there birthdays. Darren turned 40 yesterday. Joelle had a baby girl last Tuesday evening and all is well. John is going for some hand surgery this Thursday. Betty is having two teeth pulled to get ready for dental implants. Jill and Chris have been looking at show homes but realize that it is slightly higher than they can afford or at least I think they realize that. Alanna has been ill or faking illness many times over the past few days and Jill wants to talk to the teacher to see if something is going on at school. We haven’t heard from Rob for some time but last we heard he is living with 2 guys in some slum building and working a temporary social work job in N E Calgary. He was shut out by Greg who wouldn’t see him when Trent tried to get the 2 of them together. Rob has also not seen Alyss since last summer and can’t even connect on the phone.
Family is the same.
I am good and really enjoy getting out for my walks. I walk Tuesday with Dad and Wednesday and Sunday with the walk group. Saturday I either use the tread or dad and I go out somewhere depending on the weather.
All is well and I guess I should rent the darn car soon.
Love mom.
P. S. Dad just made me a snack of Panini bread with salsa and cheese. Yum
Posted at 09:01 pm by ostensiblyhere
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so it's over. we've broken up, for real this time. and not badly. or angrily. or hastily. we both knew. and it was her strength, risen up out of the ashes of her pain, summoning up the courage to do the hardest part, and it was time.
i am not ready for 'this was for the better' emails yet, although i thank you, you who are reading this, for any concern you have. i almost feel like i have to move my blog again...or maybe i'll move back to paper. no more comments. no more addiction. i don't know.
i couldn't say that my first feeling would be relief...but i know that somewhere inside i do feel like this is the healthiest thing either of us could do. how can i prepare to move to japan, if i am not happy about it? if part of me doesn't want to go? and how can she heal her torn up heart, with me pulling at its strings?
i know me, and i know that it was worth it that we tried again. and i also know, that now that i know that it is over, from both sides, i (sadly) also know it will be easier to heal. i know it will, even though i also know that telling my mom will be hard. or going to bed right now will be hard, imagining her shoulder blades in front of me, not 8 hours ago.
i am very sad. but it has been worth it. all of it. goodbye aoife...
Posted at 12:46 am by ostensiblyhere
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Feb 3, 2005
from an interview with mygirlfriendnaomiklein
Q: We need to be talking about our moral responsibility toward Iraqis. I'm glad someone is finally saying that.
A: There's almost a sense that to do so would be to weaken our position. I was talking to a journalist a few weeks ago and I was saying that I believe our responsibility is to hold Bush to his lie. They promised democracy, sovereignty and liberation. They haven't delivered, but our job should be to demand that these become realities. His response was, "So what you're saying is that something good could come from the war, right?" He was trying to trap me. I realized when he did this that this was a big reason why anti-war forces have refused to have positive demands — precisely because it will be used against us. It will seem as if something good could come from this war. My response to this is: Who the hell cares? Who cares about our anti-war egos? Which is really what this is about.
Posted at 02:45 pm by ostensiblyhere
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i've been sick as all hell this last week, and on top of it dealing with some friend stress, both of which seem to be fading away quite 'healthily'...except for still having the nagging foghorncough, which still wakes me up/keeps me up at night, i've managed to overcome this semester's first wave of ohmygodi'msofucked with school stuff by getting some doctor's notes. this has comfortably pushed a couple assignments to places where i can actually do them....since after my month of just pretending i was at school as a cover for dealing with my love life, i proceeded to get sick...i think it's about time to actually do some work...
so it's all kelp, salmon and abalone for me tomorrow. and weimar women over the weekend. and i've got goethe creeping up on me for next week. things are going well. i even had a midterm tonight in my german history class (otherwise known as: the course i don't do the readings in because i hate them) which i didn't bomb. nice. my favourite answer remains: (to the question; who is Wilhelm Cuno?) I responded: "A German. Except Cuno doesn't sound very German, on account of the C and all. But the Wilhelm part sort of blows that theory, now doesn't it?."
In other news, i decided to decide that i was no longer going to tolerate being sick, and sunday remains the worst day of my cold. since then i've been feeling much better everyday. i've decided that if i could express how i feel graphically, i would make a bar graph, where last week i was running at 10% of my total energy/capability all week long. monday i jumped to 40%. tuesday 50%. and today, except for a slight re-nag-ification of my cough, i am confidently climbing to a general energy level of 60% normal. relatively speaking, it feels great.
however, my poor sweet aoife has of course also gotten quite sick...and (is it because she's so small?) she seems to have gotten it worse. her version of our cold came complete with fever, and -get this- pink eye. gross eh? poor muffin. so last night i packed up my nazi history and told her i was coming over to take care of her. i bought her a big bag of exotic fruit (strawberries, blueberries, little bananas, oranges, grapefruit, lemons...ginger) earlier that day...so when i came over i said i'd make her food. i got some ichiban and bread, came over and made her 'jackie-style-sick-dinner'...then some lemon ginger tea, and gave her some nyquil. then i bundled her all up and read her 'the little prince' until she fell asleep. i decided to sleep on her floor...i was thinking about going home- but i just didn't want to leave her. and since her ant/rat-infested house has likewise non-yummy couches, we pulled a mattress into her room and i slept on her floor just to be there with her. it was so hard watching her be all sick and feel all gross. especially because her poor little infectious eyes were all swollen and she was all coughy. it ached. i can't wait until she feels better.
when we woke up i decided to make her 'our breakfast' which is (vegan) french toast...and no, i didn't burn it. i sliced up strawberries all beautiful and actually the whole deal tasted pretty rad, if i do say so myself. then i had to bust off to school....
and i missed my class, so i grabbed a coffee and photocopied my student health get-out-of-due-dates-free sheets and had a cigarette.
aside from deriving a weird sense of pleasure out of being able to 'care' for or 'take care of' her when she's sick...i can't help but feel like it's a wonder i haven't always/more regularly had someone in my life, like in a significant other kind of way- because the sense of 'completeness' that i get from being with aoife- even when she won't let me within one metre of her because she's grumpy and sick...is so calming, so nice, so....ahhhhh. that it surprises me i haven't had it in ages....maybe that sounds weird...but what i mean is- i just feel really happy to have someone loving me in that way feels like - for lack of a better word- stabilizing....i don't know. do you know what i mean?
and finally- as this has turned into diary entry majora, i can't let today pass without sharing the bestest part:
so mygirlfriend naomi klein was talking at ubc this afternoon at a panel on occupation and colonization (which rocked by the way, and reinforced that i need to get my ass into a 'proper' canadian history class, i.e. need to get my shit on more concretely with some first nations history stuff in bc at the very least...). anyway, as usual, i skulk up after the talk...only i've been doing this like, every time, she comes to vancouver...like, for the last 3 or 4 years. see my old blog for the skinny on my hangup with ms. klein.
so anyway, today i was kind of in a rush, and she looked tired, so i was just feeling cut-to-the-chasey- so i went up and was like
'hey naomi, it's me jackie, how's it going?'
and she was like 'hi, good, thanks'.
and i was like 'so, i am going to be your research assistant, we've talked about this before, give me the details here, how does this work? i mean, i want to get my 'write'-on, but i need to aid and abet for a while first...'
and she sort of half-laughed, and half-sighed and said 'well, the truth is, i do have a really good research assistant, but he has been threatening to get a real job'...
to which i said 'well, that's ok, i'm not really real for the next little while anyway, and you're writing a book now aren't you?'
and then she was like 'you know what, let me give you my email address'
and then i was like (in my head: OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU I WANT TO READ ALL THE PAPERS IN THE WORLD SO THAT I CAN FIND DETAILS THAT WILL HELP YOU REACH PEOPLE!!!)
so i grabbed some paper and a pen, and she wrote down her email address. (of course i recognized it as being the same as the one she had 3 years ago when she wrote me that email, that email which i still keep in my backup wallet, in the bottom of my back-pack).
i thanked her and left.
i can't help but feel like, again and again, i am on this earth to prove that stalking really does work.
Posted at 01:39 am by ostensiblyhere
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Jan 27, 2005
dextromethorphan hydrobromide, guaifenesin, pseudoephedrine hydrochloride- my new best friends
i'm sick.
i'm so glad i cancelled/postponed the san fran trip. (and yes, elise, i did consider halifax, but you are right- it is cold and snowy there). either way, i'm (mostly) glad to be here right now.
the only thing worse than the layer of slime hovering at 1mm over my body right now, is the thought after i have a shower, it will come back.
i am happy that i pseudo-booked this weekend off, except that part of staying here means i'll be doing rock for choice stuff...i guess i'm 'running' the film fest part of the conference on saturday...which basically just means cueing the films... and aoife and i are doing merch/door at the cultch on friday...which is going to be awesome and weird, because that's how/where i met dominque last year...and awesome because it's aoife who is the big choice person, i basically just went to meet lesbians ...and 'support the cause'....hmmm.
and then there's gay dinner with friends on saturday...sunday i am supposed to do all the homework/have an 'a-ha' moment with a research project...and also feel better/not be sick anymore.
i'm so excited to get my daytimer in the mail from hannah. i think i am going to attach it to my face so that i never lose it again. now i can finally be organized so i can remember all my doctor's appointments, tests, and lunch dates that, without a daytimer, i forget. it's been tragic. i'm looking forward to putting my plans on paper again.
so i'm exhausted and not really making sense anymore. i spent the entire day in bed. i was brought a cinnamon bun (with icing!) from my sick angel and now i am at home- waiting for the decongestants to kick in.
i wanted to see jeff tonight, so we could sort out our shit finally, but i think he's too tired, he's gone awol on messenger- so whatever- i think that means he's gone. i wonder when i'll get him back...
otherwise, i plan to have a bath or shower. order some vegetables from spud and watch some stupid movie with paula. eat soup. go to bed. hope the sun shines tomorrow. glad to be in my bed tonight. and not trying to be funny/witty with strangers in san fran.
my cough sounds like a fog horn.
Posted at 06:46 pm by ostensiblyhere
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Jan 24, 2005
oh my god, so just when things were FINALLY settling down for me emotionally, i launched myself into a weirdo fight with jeff. what the fuck? basically it's over a very small, very situational thing, which has complicated meanings for me, most of which he is either unaware of or ignoring...but i egged him on, and he was super insensitive back, and now i'm being stubborn.
the whole thing is just a bit too gay.
i love jeff hayes and i hope he fucking realizes that this isn't black and white -which he will- when he gets off his hellweek and i get back from san fran- and that i don't have any *demands* or any *requirements* of him, it's just that i wished he would sit down for five minutes and we could talk about how *twilight zone* this whole thing is for me...and surely for him- even though i think he's denying it/doesn't care....and that's all.
in a way, i'm frustrated too, because this seems kind of insignificant in the greater picture of jeff and jackie, and i'd like to talk to him about it, but i feel like that might not happen before thursday/before i leave. i don't know. maybe it will.
it's funny too, jeff and i are so used to play-fighting with each other that when we do, *actually fight* it doesn't take long to get to the good stuff. plus, this is our first *fight*. maybe i provoked it to get it over with. whatever. i don't care.
i don't like fighting with jeff. it's too distracting and neither of us have the energy for it.
i wish he'd call me.
in other news: my moleskine is officially gone. and my black hat that i've been wearing for the last 7 months may also be gone. worrisome.
and- get this- i have a wicked sounding cough and a case of the body pains. awe-some. just what i need for my little vacation. is this karma for being able to afford/take the time to go away?
going to some vagina thing at ubc tonight. i think it's the hbo v-day thing that i saw in berlin 2 years ago- but anything for horner...
later
Posted at 06:24 pm by ostensiblyhere
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Jan 23, 2005
resurfacing....pressing play?
well.....
so it's back on. sort of. well not sort of, actually. but more like totally. but totally in a way that is actually both sort of and full on. clearly.
lesson of the week, abridged: i am too in love with this girl to risk throwing it away . she is too in love with me to do the same. her + me = happy. only with complications.
but what doesn't come with complications?
i can't decide whether the new togetherness is the most childish thing i've ever done, or the most grown-up. maybe it's somewhere in the middle...
and it's not like we're ignoring the stuff that caused the 'ahhh! break!'....it's like we're realizing that we need to accept that stuff, and try really hard to be honest...but also loving....and also trusting.
trust.
is that the most important thing in a relationship? not trust that nothing will go wrong...not that kind of trust, but trust that the other loves you...trust that all the little things are just little things. and the big things are the smiles...and the glances...the walks to the bus-stop and the bracelets and the little kisses.
maybe i had it all wrong before. i'm reckoning pretty hardcore these days with my perfectionism and impatience. two very difficult qualities for such a romantic/ analytical person to have.
she's also introverted...and told me flat out to stop talking so much. it's not her preferred mode. so it's like she gave me license to read more into all of the little sweet things she does....and i think this is also important for me...because i am such a word facist. it's hard for me to accept that what isn't verbalized is also real. words are not the only reality. i know that because i feel i've been weilding my way through this with words for the last two months....and downplaying all of the other communication.
granted, i'm not giving up on my words. but...i just feel good. i feel like i've taken a leap into the unknown, but it's a world where i will still do my shit. and she will still do hers. and in the middle there is some space for overlap. and i look forward to it.
it's like we've pressed play.
i feel like i've submitted to love.
(and hey, it does need to be said, that if you are reading this and you know any of the major characters in my life/this drama....i need you to keep it silent ok. i am respecting her way of dealing with sensitive and complicated break-up stuff. so can you too? no more gossip. blech.)
i'm still really looking forward to san fran. !!!
also- i think i lost my brand new fucking daytimer. i think i forgot it at koerners on friday. what the fuck?
Posted at 01:12 pm by ostensiblyhere
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Jan 20, 2005
i looked up visceral because it 'instinctively' came to me as a word to use in an msn convo i was having about how the fuck to describe what was going on right now with me and aoife. and i used the word 'destructive'. but then added 'but also visceral'.
but then i looked it up. i was disappointed with the results:
- Relating to, situated in, or affecting the viscera.
- Perceived in or as if in the viscera; profound: “The scientific approach to life is not really appropriate to states of visceral anguish” (Anthony Burgess).
- Instinctive: visceral needs. See Synonyms at instinctive.
what's the viscera?
so, not that i'm feeling all that productive right now, but i thought i should definitely make a zine about break-up/emotional trauma food. like a recipe book for heartache. all items are to be eaten/prepared when you have no concept of hunger or when you ate last, no energy, and no ingredients really.
i was discussing this with my msn convo person and we decided it is a good idea.
recipe one:
The Visceral Omelette.
when your reason is mouldy...
take one container of leftover kraft dinner
and a frying pan
and put some kind of oil in it
fry the kd.
take spinach which will go bad soon
cut it up into little pieces
put it in with the frying kd.
put in two eggs.
mix together with all the stuff.
consider adding anything else you might have.
realize you don't have anything else.
notice that it isn't 'creamy' enough
add sour cream
season to taste
i use pepper.
ENJOY
Posted at 06:08 pm by ostensiblyhere
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livejournal refugee...making space
so here i am.
in order to follow through with making space/taking space/needing space, i'm moving my fucking blog.
temporarily? maybe. whatever.
i just want to be able to write whatever i fucking want and i haven't been able to do that for months.
fuck that.
so aoife and i are so broken up. i'm so tired and exhausted and sad and bitter and confused and sick-ish and hurt and lonely and desperate and feeling too fucking existential - even for my tastes. and that's all.
i am eating the breakup sandwich of champions. stale multigrain, sour cream instead of butter, cheddar, pickles, ketchup and mustard. it's good actually.
i look forward to writing whatever i fucking want on here.
i wish it was just as easy as being together or being apart.
wow. i think i'm gonna like the rich text-ness of blogdrive.
Posted at 12:24 am by ostensiblyhere
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