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Mar 3, 2005
kingsgate mall...and other dreams come true
today is jackie day. not to be confused, of course, with my birthday, also known as international women's day, also known as international jackie day, which is next tuesday, march 8th.
no, my friends, today is plainandsimple jackie day. and what a day it's been so far.
i woke up, rolled over to see what time it was, thinking it must be like 1:30 or something, and was pleasantly surprised to find it 11:30. the perfect sleep-in.
i spent the next hour or so just pissing around online. checking emails, responding to emails, writing people i haven't written in a while, reading the entire episode descriptions for all 4 seasons of six feet under, writing the bank, reading blogs and feeling like i would rather not, you know, the usual.
then i made myself some breakfast/lunch by marrying last nights leftovers with some scrambled eggs, then i curled up and watched the craptastic 2nd episode of the L-word that i taped last week, and will hopefully tape over this week. man that show sucks, but i'm still gonna watch it. is it shane that is the hot one? goooood lord. damn.
just got distracted online trying to figure out if shane is indeed the name of the hot one, and then of course, another 60-second-two-minute research session to find out if she (kate moenning as it turns out) is "actually gay"...i don't know why i am interested in this info...but i am. and she's not, fyi. or so says the internet.
rewind a couple days:
mom was here all weekend. she arrived friday and left tuesday and the visit was quite nice on the overall. tainted a bit by a few tears shed by both parties over some confusing stuff mom / i am going through with her understanding and acceptance of my "lifestlye"....but she's trying. and i love her for it. we also went hiking on sunday to deep cove. yes, i was in nature again. about three-quarters of the way 'up', i started contemplating what body part i was going to fall on/hurt/injure in the graceful, jackie+nature=gravity problem/situation that i was sure was going to happen soon.
i figured, i'd had toe and elbows the last two times, so i was ready for ass, or knees.
turns out it was finger. (i only had a minor slip, and caught myself. nothing appeared to be hurt, but later i noticed blood on my nalgene. it was coming from my finger. i guess i ripped some skin off of my index finger....right on the fucking knuckle though...bastard.) so i've been whining about it all week, because i am a wuss. and i don't like pain.
other highlights of the mom-weekend. the vagina monologues. fucking amazing. i LOVE kate horner. she did the flood and blew the whole sub ballroom away. it was fanfuckingtastic. i love that woman and i loved the whole damn performance as well. i happened to be having a bit of an awkward night, what with aoife meeting my mom, and aoife only really being there in body, it was kinda weird. but fine. i mao-ed down a dark chocolate vagina while sitting between the two of them during the intermission and felt fine.
mom and i got massages too. they were ok. i'd NEVER had one before, so i think i was expecting too much. and mom got barfy after hers, so that was a sort of a hit and a miss. but hey, what can you do?
i bought a sailer shirt which is SO HOT. i also have four new pairs of pants and two new pairs of shoes. some of it i bought myself, some was paid for a la mommy.
and driving/having a car this weekend rocked ass. does everyone know that the budget rent-a-car on kingsway doesn't give a rats that you are under 25 and doesn't make you pay more, either for the rental or the insurance. that rocked.
one day, when i am a phD writing/book writing weirdo with 2 cats, because they will pay attention to each other instead of me, and living with my baby-catching significant other, we will have a car. but if it's a station wagon, i'm not sure i'm going to like it because i really like the idea of having a trunk that you can hide things in. you can't do that with a station wagon.
aoife now lives in the void. i think i'm going to help her paint this weekend, which is actually really exciting for me, because i haven't painted since the summer job, and i kind of miss it. mel, i need to ask you about brushes and paint and stuff...i'm so excited. and we are both going to wear white "husband-beaters" (hannah-term) and overalls. we will be the hottest painters in the void ever!
so, since my mom has psychic abilities (they are so strong she won't talk about them. she represses them, which only makes me think they are crazy good) and dad's photographic memory, i think i have inherited some kind of mix of the two....which means i constantly wander around thinking i remember something quite exactly, and can see it in front of me, even when it hasn't happened yet. i think my practical translation of this is called "goal-setting" or "industriousness", but i can't help but sometimes feel like i love it when i just take myself on little trips, because it always seems like i knew where i was going...
and so i left the house today, thinking, it's warm, i'm wearing my hot new pseudo-khakis (i'm branching back out into khaki-ish pants....i had once rid my wardrobe of them, because i don't like to wear light-coloured pants, because i'm always afraid i won't be able to sit wherever i want because i will stain them) and i needed a coffee. so i went to seb's, grabbed a tall americano, and found myself walking to kingsgate- the shittiest little beautiful mall in the world.
there i bought:
*10 new 'watch batteries'
*a notebook with improper english on it
*stationary with the same
*5 colours of fluorescent tape
*the vancouver sun, with the headline: "Anti-begging crusader hurt in clash with panhandler" (HAHAHA!!! someone beat up lorne for being a dickwad! yay justice!!!)
*pink ribbon to send to my mom so she can send out breast cancer ribbons for people who pledge for her walk
*four videos, because the pseudo dollar store/book store which is affiliated with the other dollar store is selling videos for 3.99 and the 4th one is free. so i bought:
~me, myself and i (which i fucking love and was so shocked to see and am ecstatic to own!)
~charlotte sometimes (looked good, never seen it.)
~subway stories (also never heard of it, but this is what i collect, this is what i love, this is me)
~on edge (a movie about figure skating. i had to, for aoife!)
and.....
*playboy; featuring "the pop idol Debbie Gibson"
yes. i bought my first playboy. i feel like it's pretty high-class one-handed reading. there are a lot of words. the debbie pics are real classy too. hmmm.
anyway, i should probably get to my laundry.
or my batteries and debbie.....
oh yeah, also.....so i will be sending out an email or two about the birthday festivities next week.
here's the abridged version:
tuesday, march 8th- my REAL birthday....bowling at grandview lanes at 8. i WILL kick your asses. small group of friends, whoever can make it....then celebs after. and i'll need body guards and a lot of attention to go back, and if it sucks, we are going somewhere else.
friday- march 11th- house party. i think it's gonna be the 'nature vs. nurture, two dozen party' or something like that. i'm turning 24, which is two dozen....so we'll see. and we are finally going to have sweet revenge with the constant noise from the bullshit people upstairs. PARTY!!!!
ok, much love my lovelies.
Posted at 05:52 pm by ostensiblyhere
Permalink
Feb 24, 2005
so much to say, so little time
i feel an overwhelming sense of "i'd like to update my blog". however, it's 9:58. poetic justice comes on in 2 minutes and i said i'd watch it with paula. (i've never seen it. cmon, janet jackson and tupac...i'm there.)
so much happened this week.
and i need to clean my room HARDCORE because my MOMMY is coming tomorrow morning. i still need to call her. like half an hour ago.
i got gaybashed at celebrities this week. that was fucked. i'm fine. it was verbal and coulda been worse, but still. it upset me. (i wish jeff woulda been there to beat him up)
my friend amanda (long lost best friend from junior high) came into town, we got to hang out today which was great.
things with aoife have been really nice. i'm really happy she's (back?) in my life. i'm sorry to everyone who has grown exhausted trying to understand what's happening with us. i don't have any words anymore. i'm just happy.
i'm excited for my mommy to come. we are getting massages on saturday. neither of us have had one before. i'm stoked for that.
and aoife is moving to the void next tuesday. also cool.
and i am picking up the rental car tomorrow morning. driving baby. i'm excited about driving.
i'm so tired. i just want to curl up into a pile of mush and die. but also i'm very happy.
there. that's the best i can do. gnight.
Posted at 10:03 pm by ostensiblyhere
Permalink
Feb 21, 2005
the worst 20 minutes of my life?
today i had a panic attack.
i think anyway.
yeah, yeah, it was.
it was a beautiful day. sort of. in that mondayafterreadingbreak kind of way. warm enough. easy enough. met up with paula after classes at 3, and grabbed a coffee, even though all i'd had to eat/drink at that point was a piece of banana loaf and a coffee. oh, and an iced tea. it seemed superflous at the time, but i often drink too much coffee, so it didn't seem problematic.
i needed to return mulholland drive to alpha video on the drive, and so my plan, after meeting up with horner and helping to poster the bus loop for the vagina monologues (always a pleasure running into kate), was to jump on the express 99 that goes straight from campus to the drive. perfect, i thought. i never get to take that bus.
i remember thinking before i got on the bus, and even mentioning to kate, gee, i kind of feel like i'm going to have to hit up a bathroom soon, my bladder was filling up...but it didn't seem too urgent, and i was at the bus loop, so i just sorta thought: fuckit.
given that 'the bus is my best friend' (as paula once said), i was kind of excited about taking (a different version of) the bus off campus. i thought it would be nice to time the journey, since i never really take the express, so i looked at my watch, as we pulled out of the bus loop. ten to five.
there was some back-up weirdo antennae bus action near the village, but sooner or later, we were chuggin along, ricocheting our way over and up and down all the lovely potholes that line the road past thr golf course, towards the gates on blanca. i got a seat, which is key on the express, because there are no stops, so no one is ever getting on or off. so there's never any potential to sit down...
blew past sasamat, suddenly, it's alma. i look at my watch. five. nice...this bus goes fast man.
i begin to contemplate whether or not the express is just as fast as a car, when i begin to realize, i kind of have to pee. i'm initially annoyed, but since i clearly have to just ignore it, it doesn't bother me. and i continue my thoughts about the express b-line, the people around me, and life in general.
after the squiggle on to broadway, i begin to realize this havingtopeeproblem was going to be quite bothersome, actually. this frustrates me, as i look out at ash st. and think, hey, it's a long way yet...don't think about it. don't think about it. whatever.
passed solly's...notice the sunshine diner appears to be moving across the street soon. past macdonald. now my attention is turned almost completely to the stops and starts of the bus, and their direct impact on my bladder. or rather my experience of my bladder.
the weirdo kits fade out towards arbutus. i am beginning to breath yoga-style. i'm considering how to focus my body on other things. look at the sky. look at the buildings. think about something else. think about something else. jerk. bladder. wow. this is overwhelming. i hate that i can't just get off. this is stressful.
i take my hat off, because i feel my head getting warm. i sort out my hair, put my hat back on, and decide to avoid any and all movement from now on. i am sitting in the aisle seat, last row before the horizontal-to-the-bus rows, so i can lean my head back on the weirdo plexiglass. this is excellent, because it allows my body the partial non-bend. i.e., i am leaned way back-ish, and my wasit/butt is more forward on the seat. i have never been more thankful to be in the aisle seat.
kinko's. i am now remembering the only other time i can think of where i hadtopeesobadthatithoughtiwasgoingtodie. i was on a plane, flying from godknowswhere to godknowswhere, (i find almost all airplane experiences, much like the normal b-line, blend into one kind of sountrack-memory, single distuinguishable portions of rides/trips might stick out, most do not)...so the plane was preparing to land, and i was like, damn, i have to pee. but the seatbelt sign had just gone back on. i basically spent the next 10 minutes regretting every second that i hadn't gotten up the second before to just go. i felt as though the 'preparing for landing' business had been called pre-emptively, and there totally would have been time for me to go. but no one ever says 'we are landing in 12 minutes'. or 'we are landing in 22 minutes'. so i held it. i thought i was going to die, but i think i actually did make it all the way into the terminal. i remember thinking i was going to die, but somehow it diffused.
granville. this is not going away. what am i going to do? i can't get off the bus. i suppose i could tell the drive i needed to get off the bus and he'd have to let me off. i'd have to say something like 'i'm having a panic attack'...that'd do it. why don't busses have toilets? i wondered how often other people around me are silently, motionlessly freaking out at any given moment...i'm beginning to sweat. it occurs to me around the memphis blues house/meat fries place that loosening my belt (possible, thank god, in that i'm wearing a nylon belt) would release some pressure. i do this and do not care if anyone notices.
i am beginning to have visions of myself actually having a spaz. i wonder what this would look like. would i stand up, pissing and flailing and screaming? and do some kind of possessed dance and start foaming at the mouth, in the area beside the door which is painted yellow? for .5 seconds i entertained what it would be like to just maybe pee a bit but i knew this would NEVER WORK. and would never go unnoticed. i am beginning to doubt my ability to even stand up, and am now actively planning my move to the busdriver and my premature exit from the bus.
the full-on clamping of my vaginal muscles is tricky, because to apply the DON'T PEE muscles, is sort of also to apply pressure on the whole bladder deal, so i do as best i can. i shut my music off. movement is tricky. i cautiously take my headphones off, and kind of watch my arm move in front of me, grab my bag and pull it up, like as if my body was running off of muscle-batteries, backed up somewhere else, and it wasn't affecting the current extremely tentative balance of my body.
past willow. past the hospital. i can now feel myself sweating. full on. i notice i am kind of twitching. like in a way that i feel i can't really control, but other people on the bus may notice that i seem 'uncomfortable'. this occurs to me. i don't care.
while i am wondering how to ask the bus driver to let me off, since he is driving in the middle lane...and surely there is some legal ican'tletyouoffinthemiddleofthestreetnomatterwhat thing he has to obey...regardless of panicked/urinating spazmatic travellers...although i think i could handle it, but i'm sure he wouldn't let me- i am not sure whether to fear the bus driver, anyway, during all this, random things start to occur to me.
like, wow, i wonder if my mom feels like this a lot. i know she has bladder problems or something. (something relating to me being a bigfat baby and ruining her bladder, although i was never told this, i've sort of pieced it together myself over the years, and always kind of felt guilty- although mom would never allow me to feel responsible... ten pounds, two ounces. fat baby.)
i am also having a bit of a hate-on with myself about knowing i smell like cigarettes. i periodically have this. but it more nauseates me at this particular moment than concretely frustrates me.
i am now fully planning on standing up, and walking towards the bus driver. i just have to wait for a moment when i think, after asking, he would let me off right away. the last thing i want is to get to the front, and then get rejected/have to wait or something. cambie. there are rows of busses next to us. he's not going to let me off.
mec. green light. fuck.
ontario. the light is red. i feel my body standing up calmly and walking towards the front. i realize that everyone must think it's weird, who goes to talk to the busdriver on the express non-stop? i don't care. in retrospect, it occurs to me that there was no like trigger/standing-up/have to pee trauma brought on by the standingup. my mind was just so focussed on the reality of being off the bus possibly right away i guess.
i walk right up next to the bus driver. grab the little yellow bar and calmly and quietly say; "um, i'm about to have a serious panic attack, and i need you to let me off the bus, like right now." i vaguely remember him kind of interjecting and trying to get me to repeat myself, but i just repeated myself, in the exact same calm tone, with the exact same words. he said, "no problem, i'll just pull over". i could see the curb after the lights where i would be free. the light changed. he pulled forward, (i could feel the collective consciousness of the bus going 'what the fuck? why is this bitch getting off here? you can't stop the non-stop?')
i move towards the door. he says, 'are you gonna be okay?' i say 'yes, i'll be fine'. he asks if he should call an ambulance. i say i'll be fine. he pulls over. the door opens. i think i muttered thanks as i burst off of the bus.
i can't remember if i kind of started running back towards ontario (to get around the corner to pee in an alley) because i wanted to hurry, or because i was subconsciously thinking that the performance of me running once off the bus would be weirdly more comforting for the people now watching me from the bus pulling away from the curb...)
i noticed once i turned the corner that the ihavetopeenow sensation had actually diminished considerably.
i made a double corner, and figured i'd pee in the parking lot. homeless guy, with full on fire. i nod at him, and doubled back.
fuck it, i'll go to the nearest restaurant. my endurance at this point is surprisingly strong, i guess because i know it will be very soon that i can finally fucking pee. for fucks' sake.
sushi restaurant. i go inside, walk up the stairs. consider that they might turn me away, but rehearse my reallynicerequest in my head and find the place empty and three people jumping up from/outfrom/ or around from tables to quasi serve me, i ask the hostess woman "if it would be okay if i used the washroom?" she says it's down the hall. i thank her graciously.
washroom. bag down. (by the way, my coffee cup, with coffee still in it, straw and all, is still in my hands.) all ditched on the counter. third stall. close door behind me. (it briefly occurs to me that this particular moment of rushing into a bathroom is not as bad as i might have imagined, i think other bar/drinking ihavetopees have been way more urgent. i don't care.)
pants down.
ass down.
freeeeeeedom.
i get out and wash my hands. noticing for the first time that i am actually breathing quite deeply. i dump out my coffee and through that fucking cup deep into my bag.
i get out of the weirdo sushi place and thank the people and i'm back on the street.
i looked at my watch. 5:15. hmm. the longest 20 minutes of my life...
i needed to breath. and walk. so i just walked.
and walked.
and walked.
from ontario to the drive. to alpha video.
then i bought A LOT of groceries at triple A produce. and then i caught a cab home.
i felt great once i got in the door. even being in the cab was great.
i put all my groceries in the kitchen, got into sweatpants...then i don't know...the next hour i just manic-ly cleaned the dishes, the counter, the recyling, the garbage, the garbage and recycling in my room, in the bathroom, rearranged my cabinet in the kitchen, cleaned out the fridge, threw out old leftovers. purged. cleaned. did basic tasks.
and then i put on cat power, opened a beer and decided to write it all in my blog.
and that's where i am now. my beer is almost done. and now paula's home. and i should probably eat something. my legs are a bit sore from the walking. my brain is kind of whiplashy. i feel fine. i guess.
what a weird day.
am i supposed to derive a lesson from this? um, always find a bathroom when i think i might have to pee, i guess. what the fuck though. i never want to feel like that again.
that was definitely the worst bus experience of my life. (well, except for the time i got groped on a night bus in paris, but i'll save that story for another time. i am going to write transit books. i swear it, i am.)
ok, bye.
Posted at 09:07 pm by ostensiblyhere
Permalink
Feb 19, 2005
~at a bog/maggot house party~
so me and jack have decided to reconcile our difference. i bought a 26 of jack at the board store on my way to the bog/maggot house party, where i find myself right now. and so i thought it would be funny to make a post whilst at the party. since i've already had 3 kitten-mugs full of my old best friend (+ cocacola, jack's girlfriend)...and things are going well. aoife's compy is set up in the partially public room, and the party, as all parties are, is kind of intimidating/filling up/boring-ish at the moment. hence me, at the computer. i've already been chastised for being on the compy. and also for top-ing the dj-situation at the back of the house. i've put the cure greatest hits on, always a party favourite. ok, maybe i'll update later. it's just 11..........much love.
It is 12:50. This is Paul. i'm updating Jackie's livejournal. She and Aoife are feeding each other candy. I'm hungry... and stoned. bye.
Posted at 10:58 pm by ostensiblyhere
Permalink
Feb 15, 2005
on friday i had the most beautiful job of getting up early and heading to the airport for round 1 of my 2 rounds of super-visits in the month of february (my mom's is the second). my friend crystal, aka elvis, arrived on beautiful blue and green friday morning and we spent a beautiful blue and green day on campus, on the drive and at my house...aoife also visited and hung out with us...which was rad.
me and crystal go way back. except not. which is to say, we are high school friends. (of which i have 2) and yet, we are in this beautiful (and beautifully divergent) path of friendshipdom which has grown more beautiful with each visit i have been back home in calgary. with the obvious exceptions of visiting alanna and my mom, crystal is one of my favourite parts of visiting calg-town. it's beautiful to reconnect, to talk about the things in our lives that are important to us, be they gay girls, children and babies, our favourite colours, our families, or our dreams for the future.
saturday and sunday were spent with wonderful bus connections, delicious meals (duh, mostly prepared by her), amazing hats, discovering record players that work (that '45 player that i found on the curb actually fucking works! i have a turntable!!! in a little red suitcase!!!) smoking pot and me pretending to be the pregnant one. since i was easily the whiniest and complainiest of the two of us, i therefore decided i was going to start pretending i was carrying a baby, (because it was crystal who was the 31 week preggers one...not me!)...so it was all 'eating for two' and bitching about needing to sit down all the time. well, one of us had to...
the weekend was altogether too short, and yesterday she made her way back home. crystal: i wish we lived in a better geographical situation which would allow us to see each other more often, and for longer. somehow, unfortunately, given you uncanny ability to pop out beautiful human beings and my uncanny ability to give my mom entire address books to accomodate my 'transient-problem'...it may be a while...but i've got chya babe. and you've got me. thanks for coming to visit. i loved it.
upon returning home from the airport, i proceeded full on into my anti-valentines' day plans. cd's and cards were exchanged, soy latte's were drunken, and i even went to yoga. (which was amazing, btw.) then aoife and paul came over and we made (which means aoife made and prepared) the best anti-valentines' day chili, mashed potatoes and salad in the history of ever. and then we had the best (vegan) chocolate cake with(vegan) pink icing and a (vegan) broken heart made out of sprinkles on it. it was FANTASTIC.
there was a movie, and some pink wine and some marijuana. this morning, after our sleepover, we all headed to jeff's for gay pancakes, which was the first time i've been over there in like a month...but somehow it felt like i'd never left...
tomorrow: is my JET interview for japan. i'm a bit nervous, but i have a killer outfit, and, frankly, impeccable experience. so here's hoping....cross your fingers ok?
i'll let you know how it goes. ok, that's all i got. now i'm at jeff's listening to paul, chris and kathleen discuss whether there is any gay/party-boy bjork that we can listen to while they prepare for the bar....i'm having a beer and about to delve into some amazing chips. i love potato chips.
if trans-fats ever become illegal, i will die. much love. jackie.
Posted at 08:30 pm by ostensiblyhere
Permalink
Feb 13, 2005
hiii.
so my friend crystal (aka elvis) is here for the weekend from calgary and we are having a wonderful time. we hung out with aoife on friday afternoon (they're both doulas/amazing people, so they had lots of birth-ish/amazing-ish things to talk about)...yesterday we went to the cafe deux soleils for brekkie, the library downtown, to granville island...we bought hats! (i replaced my missing black one and also got a sexy other new one...pics to follow). and now we are about to head off to kits...prolly go to grounds for coffee, grab a cinammon bun, head to kidsbooks and maybe down to the beach. it's looking nice...but i'm not sure the weather will hold.
anyway, i know this is all kind of detaily and such, but i just wanted to update, because, except some sadness in people i love, i'm feeling pretty great and so glad to have crystal here.
(who is currently eating breakfast in the kitchen chatting with my roommates.....)
Posted at 10:52 am by ostensiblyhere
Permalink
Feb 11, 2005
isn't it cute when things rhyme? ...?
we fucked the sheets right off my bed
we fucked the plans out of my head
we fucked the love into our brains
we fucked the sadness down the drains
but there it is
an awkward goodbye
an uncomfortable wink
a mixtape unmade
i tried to push you
right in through my chest
but my skin was left purple
and your fingers a mess
but you said you would miss me
and i believe you, i do
now electric fences
hover over my skin
and believe me, i want,
to let. you. in.
so i sit in my chair
nurturing the cold
with every inhale
smiling, in pain
who knew following my heart,
would mean following my brain?
and if you spread your wings
and left this city for good
it would not move my love for you
stay with you, it would
so wherever you go
whatever you do
heed your heart or your brain
or your smarts or your pain
find your rhythm
tune your strings
but you'll always have me
wherever you'll be
because the distance you've travelled
between you and me
is not inbetween us
it is in. each. one.
Posted at 12:32 am by ostensiblyhere
Permalink
Feb 9, 2005
i frequently hear music from my childhood, i.e.; my parents' music, in shopping malls or in elevators. rod stewart, billy joel, elton john, what have you... but last weekend, when me and aoife were ALONE at the bay on a saturday night, they played 'always a woman' by billy joel, and it's been stuck in my head ever since. i think i need to track down a copy of some billy joel's greatest hits somewhere...
figured i'd post the lyrics...but please don't assume any connectivity with my life, ok? it's such an interesting/fucked song for gender analysis purposes as well...but, whatevs.
***
She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a woman to me
She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
She'll take what you give her as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind
She will promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me
She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
But she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me
Posted at 09:16 am by ostensiblyhere
Permalink
Feb 8, 2005
wow. maybe it's the blue sky. maybe it's the coffee. maybe it's a manic spell. but i feel fucking fantastic. i'm trying really hard to be authentic (only jackie has to try hard to be authentic...) but it's been a great day. me and aoife met up quasi accidentally today and had a coffee and a really nice chat. i know we'll need some time before we can launch our successful friend-career...but we're really gonna be okay. i really know it. at least all during the day i feel pretty positive/optimistic/happy. the time between 12 and 1am is still a bit tough, but hey, that's human. plus, hanging out today, i think, totally took the edge off of the taboo of seeing each other again. i call her 'champ' or 'tiger' now, and punch her gently on the shoulder. it's nice. i could get used to it.
other reasons why today rocks:
- it is crispy/springy beautiful out. i love this.
- i got m-bot's new zine today. which totally rocks.
- i got off work early
- i might hang out with horner tonight
- i was listening to modest mouse today, and it totally reminded me of camp/last summer and made me totally happy (world at large and float on, cmon, who can resist?)
- i am DEVOURING a huge portion of perogies with cheese and sour cream. mmmmmm. (boiled then fried....oh yeah baby!)
- i think i got paid
- i am healthy and everyone i know is healthy(ish)
- on my way home, there was a little kids 45 player in a little red suitcase sitting on someone's curb. it was all dusty and surely doesn't work. but i took it anyway.
things i want to do in the next week:
- eat meat.
- storm the pit/get drunkish
- use spraypaint
- buy pretty clothes
- see pretty vancouver things with crystal
- make lists
feeling good. now anyway. and now is where i've been trying to focus on anyway, so right on...
Posted at 04:50 pm by ostensiblyhere
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Feb 7, 2005
me in the centre of it all...
these are some pictures which are good and sad. in the same way. i feel ok though. i feel like a football player, or some other champ-type. i don't know. the second picture is me burning an intricate vegan snack. i defend myself on two counts: one; that oven is posessed and two; i could not possibly have known how soy cheese slices broil. all in all, it's been a good day though. cheers.
Posted at 11:56 pm by ostensiblyhere
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