hey blogdrive secret blog friends

so i've completely gone back to my old lovejournal blog. i guess a break up, a (pseudo)rejection letter, and a fuckit attitude, mixed with the desire to reclaim my old electronic/queer/social space just meant it was time.

things are pretty up in the air for me right now, and i honestly can't say how i feel about that. but i guess uncertainty is a kind of freedom.

ok, here's the link to my blog proper:

my livejournal

much love,
thanks for coming to my refuge-blog

jackie

hey...so i've been slowly but surely *reclaiming* my livejournal...but i'm not sure i'm gonna fully abandon this one...these paralleloblogs may come in handy yet...

and here's a link to a TON of photos that took me like 5 years to shrink, upload and then download...

wow. it's been too long.

i think i want to get back into posting all the time.

i've left this poor bastard blog alone too long. and besides, i'm "too fucking busy" lately to write any cards or emails...so i might as well be putting something out there...just so people know i'm alive...just so i know i'm alive...

"my heart is beating. i guess that means i'm alive."

i can't help but conjure up my inner hippy today. it's spring equinox. i don't really know what that means, except the beginning of spring. and i can't help but think:

Please keep this receipt for your records.

Transaction Date: 3/15/2005 12:13:36 PM
Registration Number:	0003397,
Authorization Number::	097836
Credit Card Type:	Visa
Total: (GST included if applicable)	$99.00  (Canadian Dollars)

Courses:

JAPANESE 1 (JO 53294) Start Date (mm/dd/yy): 4/11/2005 7:00:00 PM Days: MON Time: 7:00 PM Number of Sessions: 8 Location: JOHN OLIVER SECONDARY SCHOOL Address: 530 EAST 41ST AVENUE (AT FRASER STREET)

Merchant Information:
Web Site Url:	http://www.continuinged.ca
Address:	Vancouver School Board 1580 West Broadway Vancouver, BC V6J 5K8 Canada

when i turn my computer on in the morning, it takes about 8 minutes of just 'turning on' before i can do anything.

sometimes i think this is all a lesson in patience. patience, i tell myself. it works perfectly fine if you just let it wake up slowly. don't judge, just wait.

when i shut it off, this 'end program' window pops up and it is essentially an error message for something...i mean, shit, i know something is corrupt in the system. but it doesn't really affect anything it seems...or so far anyway.

and i've got all the updated antivirus bullshit. so what else can i do right?

sometimes i feel like my life has a virus. when i wake up in the morning, i need a while, even a coffee, before i can deal with anyone trying to process anything through me, with me or around me. this wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't that every night, when i try and turn off, i also seem to lie in bed, and process all my error messages. wondering if some part of my life has been corrupted by something, some thing i can't see or is from somewhere unknown.

ostensibly, my life probably seems sort of like it always is. fine. relatively easy. school. not doing homework. occasional partying, intermittent movie watching. not eating vegetables. seems like the usual. and i suppose i always have some sort of minor level crisis i am working through.

but things seem different to me lately. i guess i am having a very difficult time adjusting to being in, what is about to me 'my longest relationship ever'. (it would seem that my previous 4-monther might not be so difficult to overstep, but when you move every 6-8 months, it sort of is)

there is so much up and down. so many levels. so much depth. and it's sometimes very overwhelming. that's how i feel right now. i feel like i am deep, deep into something that has swallowed me whole. i am never 'just fine' for very long. and i'm never 'sad or emotinally distraught' for very long. and i'm never 'pleased as punch' for very long. perhaps this is the price i pay for loving/being involved with someone who is going through one of the most tumultuous years of her life. but, and i hate to say it, why me? do i attract people in tumult?

it's all just so pleasing and disturbing at the same time. it's like i've found the most beautiful friend, the most surprising addition to my life, my world, my self in a long time....and at the same time, perhaps because of this, i live in a kind of bizarre fear of losing it all.

i've even lost it all. twice. and yet it resurfaces. my system somehow needs it/her still, in order to function. i've never felt more like i understand what all of my friends serious relationships were like before now. and i can only imagine what it's like for people who've been together for years. good lord. the thought scares me.

and maybe, you think, if it is this challenging, it is not quite right. and maybe you are right. but dammit, i'm stubborn as hell, and i just want to understand. i want to be happy. i want to finish my goddamn fucking coral reef paper. i want to go camping. i want to 'feel settled'.

(wow, i never thought i'd say that)

does anyone ever feel settled? am i being ridiculous to think that i can achieve 'settled' when i'm probably leaving the country for 1, 2, 3 years in 4 months...?

whatever.

i can't decide what's worse.

having eaten artificial cheese products in multiple forms today (read: kraft dinner, and later, bulk cheetos), or that i actually have a shoulder cramp (that originally said 'crap'. i felt the spell check necessary) from feeding myself while laying on the couch.

and all this while supposedly writing some bullshit paper about coral reefs. my ass.

In this quiet little place
I can't remember having known a different pace
In this quiet little place
I can surrender to the beauty of its face

And now everything I see
Whether it's an airplane or a tree
It makes me wonder
About the things I must have missed
And the chains around my wrists
They are no longer

In this quiet little place
I can't imagine what it's like to be back home
Where they care about what time it is
And spend their days answering the phone

And now everything I feel
Whether it's fiction or it's real
It's so much clearer
Like the color of this light
It seems more dangerous and bright
But I don't fear her

And slowly it fades, I'm back in the race
I have to fight it, I know
I don't want to go away

In this quiet little place
You run your fingers through my hair and whisper "hey"
And no matter how I try
I can't seem to think of anything better to say

and even though i'm not having the 'nature vs. nurture party' until friday, i just felt like putting up the images that i used to make the flyer....

tomorrow is going to be:
*coffee and casual reading with paula in the morning
*lunch with aoife on campus
*sjc meeting self-dedicated to me!
*dunno what i'm gonna do in the afternoon. something lovely, i'm sure.
*then aoife's gonna make me dinner.
*then i'm gonna get into a bowling/bar outfit and go bowling
*and then to celebrities with a big gay faction. it will be fantastic
*and if all goes as planned, i'll come home later with my gang, and curl up with the aoifenater and falllll asleeeeep.


                                                    VS.

so i couldn't go totally blond right away. so i'm 'transitioning'. here are a few pics.





(this is my pensive pseudo-sad face)

this is me psuedo biting my hand, with the camera resting on my laptop. so this is sort of me looking directly into the compy. like as if i were looking at you right now. or...if it were looking at me...hmmmm.

ok. 2 more sleeps till my birthday....

i love nurture. from nurture you experience so much more. from nurture you see people skateboarding with their dogs. you see men in black leather pants, with instruments over their shoulders. you see the 8 go by, and wonder who might get off. you see three people get out of a cab, and hear the guy say 'ok, have a good night, call you tomorrow' and part ways from two women. you see cherry blossoms on the trees east of fraser, and the snow to the north on the mountains melting, between the cracks of the red house on the corner, and the vancouver special across the street. you see one person, slowly, sadly, slumping her way home, but know that the way is not far, and that tomorrow things will be different. and you see another skip through the gate, across the street, and onto his porch. skipping the whole way.

i love life, from nurture. fraser street rocks my world.